


Sexuality Shenanigans

by bramblePatch



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Ashen Romance, Auspistice, Heterosexuality, Other, Troll Romance, i am not a homosexual
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-24
Updated: 2011-10-24
Packaged: 2017-10-24 22:06:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/268384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bramblePatch/pseuds/bramblePatch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John is far too open about his exclusive interest in females, and Equius takes offense. Sweaty offense.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sexuality Shenanigans

**Author's Note:**

> For the kink meme prompt:  
> Homo/heterosexuality in troll society would mean you have many people wanting to fill all your quadrants with you – enough to be as picky as you like about any of them without fear of pailing season. Because of that, it’s a fetish reserved for almost only the highest castes, to the point that its regarded as an indicator of highbloodness.  
> But because it’s a fetish, it’s also someone that you never discuss in general conversation. Your peers pick it up by inference, but otherwise it’s only spoken to with your quadrants. Doing otherwise would be considered depraved.
> 
> Unfortunately for John, we’ve seen before that that sort of combination tends to catch Equius’s attention.

"Hey, this is kind of neat! You painted all this yourself?"

Nepeta grinned and nodded, lacing her fingers behind her back and rocking forward and back ever so slightly under John's praise. "I fur did! I _always_ keep my shipping wall updated!"

John looked around, reflecting that the work wasn't so much a shipping wall as a shipping gallery; it easily covered three walls of the room and was beginning to spill over onto the fourth, with cartoony paintings, often lifesized, of various pairings. Nepeta flitted around the room, explaining. "Over here are the canon purrings," she said, pointing out the appropriate pictures, which did indeed seem to represent relationships that people were making happen, "and these are the ones that aren't canon _yet_ but I'm hopeful, and over there are the crack ships!"

The human nodded, smiling; Nepeta's catlike grin was contagious. Then something on the second section of the shipping wall caught his eye and he stepped closer to look. "Uh, Nepeta? I think some of these might need to be moved over to the crack ship section," he said, looking at what was unmistakably himself and Karkat with spade symbol between them.

Nepeta pouted. "Why? You two are the best rivals! And some of the other humans are filling their clawdrants, I think it's purrty clear you guys _are_ capable of more than just matespritship!"

"Because, well..." John sighed, chewing his lip. It had been awkward enough explaining this to Karkat in pesterchum. Nepeta looked at him with confused, impossibly large eyes, and John decided to just go with the same answer he'd used before. "Because I am not a homosexual."

Nepeta looked a little more confused, and then she giggled, hiding her mouth behind one hand as her face went bright green.

On the other side of the room, Equius looked up sharply from the complicated mechanical project he'd been working on; John felt rather than saw when the troll's gaze settled on him, and was suddenly a lot more clear on why everyone complained about Equius staring. It was really creepy.

"Oh!" Nepeta replied, still blushing furiously. "I, er, didn't know that about mew!"

"Heh heh, yeah." John rubbed awkwardly at the back of his head; her blush was making _him_ blush now, although he wasn't sure why.

Or maybe it was the way that Equius's eyes were boring into his back.

"You can still put it on the crack ship wall though, if you want," John added. "Just... it's not going to happen? Because I'm straight."

With what John could only describe as a low growl, Equius stood and crossed the room, insinuating himself between John and Nepeta.

At this distance, it was really obvious that the troll was incredibly sweaty.

"Egbert, you will not expose my moirail to your depravity," Equius said, his voice tight and carefully controlled.

"It's ok, I wasn't pawfended!" squeaked Nepeta from somewhere behind Equius. The huge troll turned slightly to look over his shoulder at her.

"Then I apologize for neglecting your moral development in the past, but there is no reason to allow the human to corrupt you further," he said.

John gave a nervous laugh, stepping back and putting his hands up. "I'm not sure what you're talking about, Equius!" he said. "But maybe we should have this conversation when we're not all so... upset?"

"You are in no position to dictate when or where I speak to you," Equius snapped, stepping forward to match John's retreat, his brow furrowing in a glare behind his dark glasses.

John seriously began to wonder if "in defense of the killer's moirail's honor" would count as a Just Death, and decided he _really_ didn't want to find out. He suddenly found he had the wall at his back - specifically, the crack ship wall, and even more specifically, a rather touching rendition of an Eridan/Terezi moirallegiance. "Look, I'm sorry! I'm not sure what your deal is, Equius, but I didn't mean to offend you or insult Nepeta or whatever the problem is."

Nepeta was now all but wrapped around one of Equius's arms. "Equius!" she said, a good deal more firmness in her voice than John would have thought possible. "Equius, as your meowrail I am asking you to back off! Please!"

A little to John's surprise, Equius did pause and look down at her for a long moment. She purred, and butted her head against his arm. Finally, Equius sighed - or maybe growled, John wasn't sure - and looked back at John, still looking angry and rather sweaty, but not quite to the level of homicidal he'd been a moment before.

"Very well," he said. "But do not think this is over, human."

 

"So. I think this ridiculous state of sorry events has gone on quite long enough," Karkat said abruptly through a mouthful of sandwich. Dave, John, and Vriska - somehow, this had ended up being a "John's friends eat lunch together" day, regardless of whether any of them wanted to eat with anyone _but_ John - looked up. "John, Equius has been all but stalking you for the past two days. It's seriously damaging team cohesion, and more importantly, my nerves. What the fuck did you do to him?"

"I don't know!" John objected. "Nepeta was showing me her shipping wall, and he just flipped out on me! I thought he was actually going to try and fight me or something for a moment, but then he just got all creepy and stayed that way."

"What, were you hitting on Nepeta or something?" Karkat asked.

"No! I was being strictly friendleaderly," John said, shaking his head.

"Is it possible you were hitting on Nepeta in a quadrant your puny human brain is not wired to process?"

"Hey," Dave put in, "make that 'puny Egbert brain,' some of us are processing your shitty relationship models like crazy."

"Point," Karkat conceded.

"No!" John objected. "I was just trying to help her get a couple of her ships in the right place on her wall, because she had me paired with guys on the 'potentially canon' part."

Vriska cackled. "Don't tell me you actually told them you were mono, John!" she crowed. "Oh, you did, didn't you?"

"I'm what?" John asked, and "What the hell are you even talking about?" Karkat demanded, at the same time. Vriska dissolved into even heavier laughter, burying her face in John's shoulder, and Dave smirked a little.

"No, but really, what?" John repeated in utter confusion. Vriska looked as if she might be regathering herself to explain and was hit by another wave of giggles, and Dave sighed.

"Lemme get this, spidertroll, I think I understand," he said. "It's one of those ridiculously long troll words, I'll see if I can say it without seriously injuring myself. Monoconcupiscent."

Karkat scowled. "I'm pretty sure that's not even a word."

Finally getting herself under control, Vriska smirked. "Poooooooor, innocent little Karkat," she drawled. "I thought you were the big-shot relationship expert, but I guess you're just a pedestrian, sheltered lowblood."

"Fuck you," Karkat retorted.

John sighed. "Vriska, be nice! I still don't understand what's going on, and I know I didn't use that word! I don't even know what it means!"

"It means you're sexually attracted to guys or girls, but not both," Dave explained calmly. "Come on, Egbert, this isn't hard, I know you've gotten the quadrant talk like five hundred times. 'Mono,' that's the same as it is for humans, one. 'Concupiscent,' that's the bucket-filling things."

"Ooooh. I... might have said I wasn't a homosexual, they might have figured things out from there?" John said, and looked at Karkat. "But I thought you said that wasn't even a thing!"

"I didn't think it was, fuckwit! _I've_ never heard of any of this shit!" Karkat retorted. He looked suspiciously at Dave. "How the fuck do _you_ know all this?"

Dave smirked slightly, leaning back in his chair and crossing his arms. "Hate-dating Gamzee, remember?"

"Wait, _Gamzee's_ -" Karkat sputtered.

The smirk widened a little, becoming the closest to a real smile John had ever seen on Dave's face. "Well, yeah, you didn't know? I mean, I'd have thought it was obvious between the sloppy makeouts with Tavros and the bitey makeouts with me."

"Lots of people fill both concupiscent quadrants with the same gender," Karkat retorted.

"Plus he _really_ seems to like it - or hate it, whatever the right word is for this situation - when I use homophobic slurs on him," Dave added. "At least, once I explain what they mean. That's insults based on only liking your own gender, for you gray people following along at home."

Karkat's expression rapidly flipped from disbelief to confusion to horror, and he buried his face in his hands. "Oh god, on the subject of _things I did not fucking need to know about my moirail_ ," he groaned.

Vriska grinned, propping an elbow on John's shoulder. "I kind of thought he'd have told you himself, Karkat."

"Apparently, his lingering suppressed homicidal rage and spiritual crises cause the idiot more emotional distress than the exclusive thirst for manflesh which we only have this douchbag's word even exists," Karkat snapped, jabbing a thumb in Dave's direction without looking up. "Go figure."

John shifted a little in his seat, trying to find a position where Vriska's arm would jab him in the neck less without actually dislodging her. "So what am I supposed to do?" he asked, trying to bring the conversation back around to something other than slightly disturbing gossip about Dave and Gamzee's personal life. "I'm still not sure why it's such a big deal!"

Vriska shrugged. "It's just... not something you talk about, you know? Not in polite company, and especially not if you're not like a blue or better. Which I guess is why our _fearless leader_ here didn't know about it."

With a sigh, Karkat straightened up, composing himself. "So you're saying this is like some big scandalous thing to highbloods?" he asked.

"Well, kinda. It is if you go around talking about it." She paused, scratching the base of one horn. "Well, it's _really_ not cool to talk about lowbloods being mono. It's kind of a thing."

"So the logical assumption," Dave suggested, "is that the creep in the dark glasses -"

Karkat gave him a skeptical look.

"The _creep_ in the dark glasses, I said, not the coolkid in the dark glasses. Try and keep up, Vantas. The logical assumption is that the creep in the dark glasses has decided that John doesn't have heterosexuality privileges."

Karkat nodded. "And knowing how the horsedouche is about privileges... John, when he confronted you, was he -?"

"Sweating?" John shuddered a little. "Yeah."

"And now he's been following you around glaring at you. Shit." Dave turned to Karkat, quirking an eyebrow over the rim of his shades. "Doesn't he have, like, issues with red-blooded people and consent, anyway?"

Karkat started, looking alarmed. "Oh, fuck, you mean like the whole thing with Aradia, did she tell you about that while you were being all 'special time buddies' or whatever?" he asked, and Dave nodded.

John hesitantly raised his hand. "Uh, still confused over here?"

Karkat stood suddenly and grabbed John, pulling him to his feet as well; Vriska yelped and fell over onto John's now-empty chair. The other troll didn't seem to notice, already storming over to where Equius sat, with John scrambling to keep up, and also babbling a confused, "Karkat, what the heck!"

Equius at least had the marginal good grace to look slightly alarmed as Karkat, and by extension John, approached. Before he could otherwise react, Karkat was talking, and Skaia help anyone who tried to interrupt Karkat in one of his rants.

"Ok, you enormous shit-panned horsedouche, it has regrettably come to my attention that my co-leader here may have unintentionally offended and/or flustered you by saying that he's not interested in guys, thus explaining why you have spent the last couple of days putting in a pretty good bid for the 'paradox space's creepiest stalker' award," he began, and beads of blue sweat started to dot Equius's forehead. Karkat ignored them. "And while I have to say that I understand that Egbert has an incredibly hatable face and I may have harbored black feelings for him myself at one point - oh, don't look at me like that, John, I know _you_ know, it was the worst-considered trollog of my life - I feel we need to make it very clear that his 'not a homosexual' bullshit means that he is _not interested_ and is in fact _off limits_."

Karkat paused, and Equius... well, Equius mostly just stared at them. John tried to stand behind Karkat without actually looking like he was hiding behind the troll. It didn't work very well. Finally, Equius said, "I'm not one hundred percent certain why this is any concern of yours, Vantas."

"It's my concern because I'm _making_ it my concern, fucktard," Karkat snapped.

Another pause, and Equius's eyebrows shot up; in fascinated horror, John realized he could actually see the troll's black tank-top soaking through as he watched. "Do you... do you mean to imply -"

Karkat took a deep breath. "Yes. There is no reason in any universe why it would be appropriate for you to hate-pursue a guy who is _literally incapable_ of reciprocating. And everyone and their lusus's dam knows how obsessive you get about people. So if you cannot keep your creepy objectifying gaze to yourself, and if John is ok with it... I'm officially insisting that I stand as your auspistice."

Equius drummed his fingers on the table-top in front of him, leaving a series of dents, and then glared at the damaged table. John felt the breath catch in his throat, and looked at Karkat in mild disbelief.

"Did you just ask both of us out?"

"...If you want to put it in those drastically inaccurate terms, yes."

"Karkat, I'm -"

"Not a homosexual, I _know_ , you obnoxious pile of excrement. That's the _point_. I'm trying to make sure you and Equius stay firmly _out_ of any situation where your fucked up attraction patterns will cause a problem."

John considered. Well, if there was anyone he trusted to watch his back, or to know how to yell at Equius, it was Karkat. And Equius kind of freaked him out. So if it was more of a formally _not_ dating a guy thing... maybe John could live with that?

Also Equius was staring at him again.

John nodded hesitantly. "Ok, I mean, I guess so? I think you guys probably know more about how this is supposed to work than I do."

Equius sighed through gritted teeth. "If he is amenable, then I am as well," he said, and John very nearly sighed in relief. "You are probably correct, Vantas, continuing in this vein would be... incredibly depraved on my part. I accept your service."

Karkat looked from one to the other of his new charges for a moment. "Well, that's one quadrant I wasn't expecting to fill today," he said, threw his hands in the air, and walked away.


End file.
